I’ve been “doing an internship” at my father factory this week and the past week. But it was today that really inspired me of something significantly more than the manufacturing process, the product, the jobs, etc., but rather of some personal relations.
In the beginning of the day, I was lead to the manager of the Quality Management Department. He introduced me to the big unit — the Automotive Metal Tubing unit — which his department works under, then showed me around in the workshops.
But then later as we returned to his office and discussed the Department of Quality Management, we somehow went off-topic to talking about “difficulties in life”. He first assumed I possibly have difficulties in school, and I nodded to simply respond that I was paying attention, to show respect. But he went on, and said my father definitely has had difficulties that are much more difficult. That, suddenly triggered my rebelliousness. (I am a rebel innerly, but I usually act very polite and obedient, especially around the people who work for my father. Plus, I did not at all disagree with the statement. But potentially for his attitude or my mood,) I showed a little dissent. I believe that encouraged him to go on, he started talking about different perspectives looking at the same problems would differ greatly on the largeness of the problem. “If a person stood inside the problem, he would feel small and weak against the ‘problem’. But if the person stood outside the problem, he would look at the problem at the same level, feeling not as troubled and frightened by the problem.”
Don’t be ridiculous! How is that so?! 1) Does the way you feel change the literal size of anything? No. Perhaps the way you feel changes the apparent size of this thing, but the “thing” is definitely still that “thing”. 2) Trying to look at a problem with deceived and untruthful visions is a sign of ignorance and fright. Already changing the attitude to make yourself feel better does not indicate you will overcome this problem with accuracy and precision. You can trick yourself now, but you will realize your failure later.
I did point out my two doubts to him but I think he sneakily mis-answered by telling me to find friends to study with or get help from, as well as examples from his university career.
“Let a simple story be told: A farmer is farming on a piece of land. There is a rock in the middle of the land. Every time the farmer reaches the centre of the land, his plow would break as it hits the rock. No one knows how big the rock is but it is believed it is indeed big enough to break the plow every single time. This happens repeatedly, thus the farmer gets extremely frustrated. One day, he could no longer contain his rage and determined to dig out the rock. The rock was quickly dug out and the farmer realized it is not big at all. Oh! How he wished he had taken action earlier, only if he knew it was such an effortless task.”
Yes, I understand the story and it makes absolute sense — the rock is the problem and the farmer is a troubled person — sometimes, the trouble seems really grand; but after it was solved, it was really no big deal. Obviously, life is not this simple, but the idea is straightforward. I completely agree; in fact, I understood and even experienced this before, yet I could not bring myself to “dig out the rock”.
Okay, so the problem bothering me is the difficulty of Physics. It is the most stressful class I am taking — with especially the apparently deadly AP exam in May, my grades dropping, pressure building up, some people losing faith, some people doing amazing, the gap enlarging, then me losing faith — it’s crushing me. I can’t not worry about it because I love to be good. My conscience is made of no morality, it is about grades. I have not ever been a student below average and I know I will break at some point but I know it is not now, not yet, not physics, not a course I enjoy, not a course I plan on studying for the rest of my life. So yes, the pressure’s on, and it’s big.
Anyway, I never did bring myself to solve my problem. When it got a little better, life would be colourful and amazing. But when it got a little worse again, I prayed it’d get better. Me and Physics is a big problem and I know it will take time to do well. So, I shared with this manager how really lazy I am and how I am just not motivated enough. He said determinedly, that I lack “determination”, the determination “to win”. Yes, I know. I just told you that myself. He told me an ancient Chinese story of war. There was an army crossing the river onto the enemy’s land. As soon as the soldiers did, they burnt their troops and smashed their bowls — no way back, no food left. Their enemy was much stronger than themselves, but their determination for victory eventually brought victory. He supposed I still had a way out, reason for lack of determination. Well, I suppose he’s right — I know I will not truly regret, until the week of the AP exam — this is always the case with not-thoroughly-prepared tests. I do need determination. Determination causes motivation. Determination is the beginning of motivation. Determination itself is motivation. (Determination and rebelliousness do not conflict so I conclude him right.) Funny I feel determined now, now that I’m inspired. I feel it burn in me, but I know it will fade; the flame always does — comes quick, leaves quick. Therefore, I already talked to my mother about getting a Physics tutor. This would be the first step at least. To keep the motivation going.
Furthermore, I love love love challenges big time! It’s also probably why I feel so determined now. I don’t at all believe in impossibilities, at least not in things existing in this physical world. Challenges almost literally turn me on. I am faithful (and determined) that I would overcome whichever difficulty I truly want (determine) to overcome. And I have never failed so far. Anyway, I do hope I get over this Physics problem and will be ready for my exam in May. Just may I stay motivated and determined.
Also, another lesson learnt, open rebelliousness, or as I call, courage to speak out, is not at all rude, but rather important in education. Allowing oneself to be rebutted needs bravery as it creates the possibility of “I was wrong”. But truly, realizing “I was wrong” is better than “Yeah, sure, you’re right. I don’t care.” mixed with inner rebelliousness and defiance. It’s always good to be thorough, regardless its uglification under a microscope. :)
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