HongKong Again

Wow, the last last blog was written exactly one year ago in the same city. (And woah, my only entry in 2014...) I’m in HongKong again! Oh My Gosh, Asia makes such beautifully hot sneakers! Nike and Adidas are so much more than only “athletics” here: They are so fashionable my shoes-desire is greater than ever. Anyway, there feels like nothing to say because life is so much more interesting and personal now. But, I want to be back, to continue writing, just for fun, typing whatever comes to mind.

Life’s been really full these past months of school. Not always busy, but always filled with things that could be done. I should do a sad Term 1 Overview now I have time. 

(Oops—procrastination… I’m actually now back in Shanghai.) 

I got straight A’s for Term I, but I could say it was all luck. I thought French and Choir (95% teehee xD) was easy A’s but they really did come close. But then again, I really thought I wouldn’t get A in Math, Socials, Physics and Chem but I did!! I was really surprised and crazily happy because in all these, it was either I bombed one out of one or two tests, or that I screwed up on most of my quizzes. But yay, they were okay. Chem was surprisingly above 90 but others are only low A’s. 

But now, I feel more motivated and determined. I honestly don’t think they can be that hard — difficulty that I cannot overcome, fear that I cannot contain — I don’t think that exists in my life just yet. My goal is to keep my 86% in Physics and 92% in Chem and at least get everything else 90%+. 

I have this friend who is in Grade 11 in both my Chem and Physics class. He already got 2250 on his SAT test. For AP’s, he’s done Psychology last year and is taking Physics AP and other AP courses under Socials now. Also, a grad I know got in Cornell’s Architecture for Early Decision. She’s done for applications completely. All these add up and I realize how grand this pressure already is. I want to do good; this is me. But I don’t want to work hard for it; sadly, this is also me. This burden weighs more and more as I stretch the possibilities yet lose faith in myself to push, to work to reach my goal. I don’t know what to do when I know exactly what I should do; shortcuts are BS yet my brain tells me it’s okay to wait. That is truly one hell of a problem. At least right now, I pray I don’t lose my conscience and this awareness I reflect on of my situation. But honestly, I’m once again starting to pray for quite a bit more than this. Who am I kidding, I am strengthless and wretched. Me myself is full of crap and dreams — Me myself makes no reliability. But then again, sadly, when I think of my future, a future with no Ivy League or Stanford or MIT or Oxford or Caltech or Berkeley seemed do-able and happy! Maybe NUS or Waterloo or simply Quest is enough. Lord, how I fear the idea of giving up especially when I can’t control myself but to do so.

But really though, Tracey Chen, you yourself is a brain and you are full of wisdom and bravery and spirit to try and mind to go against the flow. Just please please put in more time on the things you do. At your age, much of life depends not on the society or any outer influence. Your high school success depends on yourself!! And Goodness, use your movie time to do something useful — actually finish your music compositions or read more books!! You could be using and doing so much. I swear, you’ll regret life so so much if you don’t start working harder now. 

So now I’m back to Shanghai and soon back to Vancouver, I just hope to not screw up this next term and regretted these months when I could have made everything possible. Ah, “may the force be with me.” 

JK, may the Lord be with me. xD

Determination? Yeah Determination

I’ve been “doing an internship” at my father factory this week and the past week. But it was today that really inspired me of something significantly more than the manufacturing process, the product, the jobs, etc., but rather of some personal relations.

In the beginning of the day, I was lead to the manager of the Quality Management Department. He introduced me to the big unit — the Automotive Metal Tubing unit — which his department works under, then showed me around in the workshops. 

But then later as we returned to his office and discussed the Department of Quality Management, we somehow went off-topic to talking about “difficulties in life”. He first assumed I possibly have difficulties in school, and I nodded to simply respond that I was paying attention, to show respect. But he went on, and said my father definitely has had difficulties that are much more difficult. That, suddenly triggered my rebelliousness. (I am a rebel innerly, but I usually act very polite and obedient, especially around the people who work for my father. Plus, I did not at all disagree with the statement. But potentially for his attitude or my mood,) I showed a little dissent. I believe that encouraged him to go on, he started talking about different perspectives looking at the same problems would differ greatly on the largeness of the problem. “If a person stood inside the problem, he would feel small and weak against the ‘problem’. But if the person stood outside the problem, he would look at the problem at the same level, feeling not as troubled and frightened by the problem.” 

Don’t be ridiculous! How is that so?! 1) Does the way you feel change the literal size of anything? No. Perhaps the way you feel changes the apparent size of this thing, but the “thing” is definitely still that “thing”. 2) Trying to look at a problem with deceived and untruthful visions is a sign of ignorance and fright. Already changing the attitude to make yourself feel better does not indicate you will overcome this problem with accuracy and precision. You can trick yourself now, but you will realize your failure later. 

I did point out my two doubts to him but I think he sneakily mis-answered by telling me to find friends to study with or get help from, as well as examples from his university career. 

“Let a simple story be told: A farmer is farming on a piece of land. There is a rock in the middle of the land. Every time the farmer reaches the centre of the land, his plow would break as it hits the rock. No one knows how big the rock is but it is believed it is indeed big enough to break the plow every single time. This happens repeatedly, thus the farmer gets extremely frustrated. One day, he could no longer contain his rage and determined to dig out the rock. The rock was quickly dug out and the farmer realized it is not big at all. Oh! How he wished he had taken action earlier, only if he knew it was such an effortless task.”

Yes, I understand the story and it makes absolute sense — the rock is the problem and the farmer is a troubled person — sometimes, the trouble seems really grand; but after it was solved, it was really no big deal. Obviously, life is not this simple, but the idea is straightforward. I completely agree; in fact, I understood and even experienced this before, yet I could not bring myself to “dig out the rock”. 

Okay, so the problem bothering me is the difficulty of Physics. It is the most stressful class I am taking — with especially the apparently deadly AP exam in May, my grades dropping, pressure building up, some people losing faith, some people doing amazing, the gap enlarging, then me losing faith — it’s crushing me. I can’t not worry about it because I love to be good. My conscience is made of no morality, it is about grades. I have not ever been a student below average and I know I will break at some point but I know it is not now, not yet, not physics, not a course I enjoy, not a course I plan on studying for the rest of my life. So yes, the pressure’s on, and it’s big. 

Anyway, I never did bring myself to solve my problem. When it got a little better, life would be colourful and amazing. But when it got a little worse again, I prayed it’d get better. Me and Physics is a big problem and I know it will take time to do well. So, I shared with this manager how really lazy I am and how I am just not motivated enough. He said determinedly, that I lack “determination”, the determination “to win”. Yes, I know. I just told you that myself. He told me an ancient Chinese story of war. There was an army crossing the river onto the enemy’s land. As soon as the soldiers did, they burnt their troops and smashed their bowls — no way back, no food left. Their enemy was much stronger than themselves, but their determination for victory eventually brought victory. He supposed I still had a way out, reason for lack of determination. Well, I suppose he’s right — I know I will not truly regret, until the week of the AP exam — this is always the case with not-thoroughly-prepared tests. I do need determination. Determination causes motivation. Determination is the beginning of motivation. Determination itself is motivation. (Determination and rebelliousness do not conflict so I conclude him right.) Funny I feel determined now, now that I’m inspired. I feel it burn in me, but I know it will fade; the flame always does — comes quick, leaves quick. Therefore, I already talked to my mother about getting a Physics tutor. This would be the first step at least. To keep the motivation going. 

Furthermore, I love love love challenges big time! It’s also probably why I feel so determined now. I don’t at all believe in impossibilities, at least not in things existing in this physical world. Challenges almost literally turn me on. I am faithful (and determined) that I would overcome whichever difficulty I truly want (determine) to overcome. And I have never failed so far. Anyway, I do hope I get over this Physics problem and will be ready for my exam in May. Just may I stay motivated and determined. 

Also, another lesson learnt, open rebelliousness, or as I call, courage to speak out, is not at all rude, but rather important in education. Allowing oneself to be rebutted needs bravery as it creates the possibility of “I was wrong”. But truly, realizing “I was wrong” is better than “Yeah, sure, you’re right. I don’t care.” mixed with inner rebelliousness and defiance. It’s always good to be thorough, regardless its uglification under a microscope. :)