The Unusual Diary
July 12. 2011
This is the first day I receive you. This is so good to meet a new friend who really listens to me a lot, I believe.
I am so lonely these days. I haven’t gone to school for a few days. I miss them a lot.
July 13.2011
Let me just tell you about myself. Then I’ll tell you why I didn’t go to school.
I’m Kelsey, 17 years old. I have two little sisters who are both in elementary school and an older brother who is in college. My sisters are sometimes annoying. But my older brother cares about me a lot. I have a rich and happy family. My friends are cool and friendly. My boyfriend is amazing. I have almost everything I want.
However, I got something I didn’t want, and it changed my life. It’s bad though…
When I was young, I learned about Terry Fox. He had cancer and he died. And that was the first time I heard of cancer. Since that, I was scared of cancer until when I was in Grade Seven. I used to pray to God, hoping I won’t be abused by the horrible disease. I used to tell my mom how scary cancer is and how scared I am. But she always says that bad luck would never happen to me.
However, it did.
July 14.2011
Last Friday night, I was lying in my bed. Suddenly, I got a seriously backache and it made me so hard to breathe. I had no ideas what happened to me. Then I reached to my cell-phone with difficulty and called 911 without using my brain.
“Help… Help…” I whispered to my cell-phone. I couldn’t even sit up.
“This is 911. Please tell me your location.” The person in the phone said calmly.
Geez~ Stop wasting time! Do you think I have any ideas at this time!? This is an emergency, Don’t you know?? I thought. But I have no energy to talk that much. “Save me… I can’t…”
“Hang on. We are checking you location. Talk to me!”
I couldn’t breathe, how could I talk? Oh My!
Then… I heard siren approaching, my family yelling and asking and some wired, strange, noisy, annoying mixed and disorderly noise. Then… I think I fell asleep…
July15.2011
The next morning, I woke up in the hospital. My mom was crying beside my bed. And I could hear the other guy talking to her. I thought he was trying to explain something, but my mom didn’t listen. At first, I didn’t know what happened and what is happening. Then I recalled my memory. Ugh~ I just fell in faint yesterday. How is it a big deal that she needed to cry!? Don’t embarrassing me, mom. I thought.
Mom saw me woke up and ran to me and said, “Oh my sweetie! Thank God! You’re back!” She kept repeating that. She kissed me on the cheek hardly. Now I was really embarrassed.
I tried to revolt the kisses, but she just couldn’t stop until I speak, “Oh mom, I’m fine~”
“No you are not! What do you know!?”
“Wait… I know myself the best! I feel fine. I just got a backache! Ok?”
“You know why you got a backache? Because you got cancer! Kidney cancer!” My mom yelled to me, hugged me tightly and cried on my shoulders.
What the… I was shocked. I was so healthy. Like I haven’t been sick for 2 years! How can I get cancer!? I mean… How is it possible? For me!? Then I became a bit upset but very suspicious.
I couldn’t cry, because I didn’t and couldn’t believe. I wanted to cry, because my mom, she made me feel like crying. This must be a wired nightmare. Or it’s just a joke! My mom loves jokes! Ha!
Then the doctor came over and said seriously that I do have a kidney cancer. It was terminal cancer already. So there is no actual medicine that could help. However, there is still one way to be healed. Operations. It might success but it might not. Half to half. But still, it’s still a lot of money to cost. It’s at least $50,000.
I didn’t look at Mom, because I didn’t want my mom to see my eyes full of worries and begs - I didn’t know if my mom would cost that much for me or not…
I felt she looked at me and stared. Then, she looked at the doctor and me and the doctor and me, and she said quietly, “I think I will say yes after I get more info. I can’t just leave my lovely daughter alone with the death. Me, as her mom will do anything for her daughter. So I believe she will say yes. Yeah…”
I didn’t know if she is telling me how much she love me to me or explaining why would she spend that much money to the doctor. It’s confusing but I don’t care.
“OK. Great.” The doctor replied and walked away.
She smiled to me. That was the most beautiful smile I have ever seen. And of course I smiled back with tears. I believe, my smile, was the most painful smile she has ever seen. However, my tears were standing for happy, grateful and moved. I feel love. And you can never use $100,000 to buy any of them. I am the happiest girl ever in the whole world.
July 15.2011
There is always a feeling in my mind: I’m dying… And I’m still young… L So bad… Even though Doctor said I have an operation that may save me, I’m still not feeling good… I feel like it’s a curse. I feel like there is no way I can heal.
I feel so bad for myself. I am such a good student. I have good grades. I am such a cool teenager. I have a boyfriend who cares about me a lot. I am such a lucky child. I have a rich and concordant family. I am such a popular kid. I have money. I have cell-phones. I have video games. I am such an awesome friend. I have people. I have pals who understand me a lot. I have such many good things to enjoy and such many good to happen. Why do I have to die when I am so happy!? Why do things go bad when it’s so good!? Why am I the one who has been chosen!? Why it’s me!? It is so not fair!!!
I’m upset, and I can feel it in my mind.
July 16.2011
Another day is over… And I am closer to the death, to the day…
I feel like I am not the girl I was. I’m just too upset. And that I know.
Not only my body’s dying… My mind’s dying…
July 18. 2011
I can’t eat much and I don’t sleep well. Dying is haunting me in days, at nights. My mom said I need to relax and stop imagining. But all I did was yelling to her. I regret… I feel so sorry.
I have changed too much. I can’t keep losing my spirit.
Yeah. I should really try to stop being silly. I need to be more happy and positive. Maybe I won’t die. Maybe I am just too nervous and too frustrated that I got cancer. But the point is – I might survive! How can I be sure I’m dying! I was so dump! I’m still healthy! Maybe the doctor made a mistake or something got wrong!? What if I don’t have cancer!? Yeah! That made a lot of senses now~ Aha!
July 19.2011
I told Mom that how I felt and how I thought. She said she will take me to the doctor tomorrow and check again. I really hope I could get a good result this time!
July 20.2011 Morning
I have gone to the doctor and made an X-Ray photo. Then he told us we need to wait for an hour for it to be printed. Ahhh!!!!! So nervous!!!
Two hours later…
The two hours made me feel like eternity! I have been waiting for so long. As I was complaining, the doctor showed us the X-Ray photo. He showed where my cancer cells are, and told us I do have cancer. That’s for sure.
Then I went home disappointedly.
July 20.2011
However, I’m still not so sad. I am gald I could still wake up every morning. I can still breathe. I can still live on the earth.
People say I must be so sad when I got cancer. Yeah. It’s true. Only when it is the first few days I know I got cancer. I just couldn’t face the fact. But as you look at the bright side, I’m still alive!!! Isn’t it great!? I’m a patient, and I should be glad that I can live for another day.
These days, my first thing I do when I wake up is look at myself and my sure I am still a human. ;)
July 21.2011
My doctor said I need to sleep at the hospital from now on, because it is easier for doctors and nurses to do physical exams easier. It is so annoying. Hate moving around. Sheesh~
The rooms in hospital are so stinky! Ewww~ It disgusts me. It is like the smell of disinfectant liquid and medicine has been mixed together. Anyways, it’s really bad. I cannot believe I am actually living in this kind of place!!! Until I healed! Oh My!
Geez~
July 22.2011
The girl who sleeps beside me got cancer too. Her mom cries all day and night. I couldn’t even stay quiet and calm. At first, I was really annoyed.
Once I even told them to stop one day. But the girl is super sweet. She apologized without making any unwillingness. Then she told her mom she would recover. She made me shocked and guilty. Shocked because she is only seven and she knows how to calm a senior. Guilty because she is so polite, but me – who is a lot older than her – just sit there, watch them cry and criticize them! How dare me! Maybe her mom cries because she doesn’t wanna lose a great daughter like her. Ugh man! I’m so regretful… L
She has an older brother too. He is around my age. I can tell he love his sister a lot. He tells stories at night. He stays in the hospital in days. Her sister seems so weak and effeminate when he’s around. She cries in her brother’s chest at night. I feel sorry for her and her family.
July 23.2011
The food here is disgusting! It’s good that my mom brings me lunch most of the time. I am so bored in the hospital. There are no TVs!!! OMG! But I got my PS2 and my laptop with me. So I can always play video games until I’m totally dizzy and annoyed. Haha! When I’m free, I watch movies and research Tom Cruise’s info. I am a super fan of Tom Cruise. He is just… SOOOOOOO COOL!!! I love his movies. My favorite one is The War of the World. He is so handsome in that movie! Once, I watched 3 movies of Tom Cruise a day! My mom was mad, but she just couldn’t do anything, because… I’M A PATIENT!! Haha~
Do not ever think being a patient is always a good thing! I have pains too. I have to take two shots a day. Doctor said I am totally becoming thinner and losing weight. He also said I need to keep my nutrition. So I won’t get sick or whatever. The shots hurt a lot at the first few days. But you know what! Now, I am used to it.
July.25.2011
I miss my classmates so much. I feel like I have been changed a lot. Before I have known I get cancer, I was a naughty but smart girl. I didn’t like going to school. I hate the way teachers teach. I hate that we need to put our bag and clothes in the locker. I hate the color of our school uniform. I hate that we need to carry our bag pack to school and back home. I hate my ugly gym bag. I hate short uniform skirt to school.
But now… I miss the smell of my classroom. I miss the sound of our recess bell. I miss the games that Math teachers always play. I miss the funny noises the boys make. I miss listening to our teachers reading. I miss the way we pass note with fiends even though we are not allowed to… I enjoy school time. But I just couldn’t feel it when I am actually in and enjoying.
I love my school. I love my classroom. I love my teachers. I love my classmates. I love my friends… And it will always be a ‘friendship’ love and a ‘long time no see’ love.
I get it. I finally get it. I miss them too too much. They are most of my life beside families. I hope my whole class could come and visit me. No… I hope I can recover and go back to school and visit them. J
July 26.2011
Today, my grandparents came and visit. My Grandma isn’t actually my Grandma. Well she is , but she isn’t my real Grandma. Oh I get it. She is my Grandma, but I don’t have her blood flowing in my body. That means, we are relationship by mind, but we are not relationship by blood. She is my mother’s step mother. Since she was born, her mother died. Then her father married again. However, my mom never knew the truth until she was twenty years old. Her step mother was always treating her like her baby. So after she knew the truth, she had nothing to say, because she was so grateful and moved that her step mother loved her so much! Even I, was moved when I first heard the story.
Anyways, my grandparents came all the way from Rome, Italy to here after seven hours on the plane. My Grandma brought me my favorite food – dumplings – she is from China. She used to cook dumplings for me when I was little. I loved her! And her food!!! But I didn’t eat much today. I didn’t feel like eating. When she was leaving, I said, “I can’t believe I am actually dying before you are! Haha~” I was just trying to be funny. However, she cried.
Now, I realized dying isn’t a good joke, especially to my relatives.
July 28.2011
Sorry. I was sleeping the whole day yesterday. I didn’t write to you. I apologize.
I’m so excited right now! My whole class is coming to visit me this afternoon! I can’t wait!!! three more hours!! Hooray!!!
Three Hours Later
My classmates came. They brought me gifts and flowers. I am so happy that they gave me gifts. I have never received that many presents at one time!! So awesome! But at the same time, I feel bad that I’m dying.
They lined at beside my bed, and talked to me. It’s like… wired feelings.
The boy who was my desk mate who always argues with me whispered, “Kelsey, hope we can meet in the heaven.” I was wondering if it’s a good thing or a bad thing… Is he cursing me to the death? Or he wants to be my friend when we are both in heavens… which means he likes me. I hesitated and whispered, “Ummm… Sure… You know that I have a boyfriend right? He will bunch you in the face if he hears it. Plus, how do I know it’s you if you became an old man?” And I giggled. But he was still really serious, “Don’t worry. I’ll go find you~” He said and winked. Ugh~ Grows~
My best friend, Emma, said, “Kelsey, I believe you will recover. I believe you. You are the best. Please don’t go. Promise me. You will come and find me after the operation right? Promise me you will.”
“But… I can’t decide…” I said.
“Please! I don’t care! Just promise me you will be okay! Just do it. Please!” Emma said. She was really sensitive. She was totally making me nervous. Her eyes became red. But me, I’m so innocent!
But to make her feel better, I promised her, “Okay. Okay. I promise you I will be okay. I will go and find you after the operation. Just be happy, because if you are happy I will feel better.”
“Thanks, Kels~ I love you.” Emma walked away.
Ugh. Man! I shouldn’t promise her. First, because who knows if I will survive or not. Second, it will be so bad if I didn’t survive. She will be really sad and mad that I lied to her. But the point is I didn’t mean to lie to her. I was just trying to make her happy. But all I am doing is make it worse.
I feel so bad for my friends. I don’t want to leave them alone and thinking about their old best friend – me. But I have no choices and ideas. All I can do is to promise them that I won’t die. But who knows!? Hmm?
July 30. 2011
The girl who sleeps beside me died. She didn’t survive after the operation. My mom went to her funeral. She brought the girl flowers. And she saw the little girl with her eyes closed. She told me she felt bad, because everyone was crying. And she was crying too. She also told me she wasn’t crying for the girl or her family. She was crying for me and our family. She said, it might be happen to me after the operation.
Life is so difficult. It’s just a short breathing moment. Once you lose your little breath, you die.
July 31.2011
I feel so bad these days. There are only a few days until my operation. What if I do have the same result like the girl who died yesterday? I don’t want that to happen. But what if it did!? Oh My God! I don’t want to do the operation. I will be really happy if it success. But it will be so bad if… Ugh! I’m so nervous.
August 4.2011
Mom, dad, older brother – Edward, younger sisters – Liana and Elaina came as a whole big family yesterday.
Edward didn’t have a lot of free time. He goes to college in Boston most of the time. He is a good student, a nice brother and a great guy. He is perfect. Liana and Elaina are both cute. Elaina who is only three years old as the youngest member in our big family makes us happy with her pure spirit. Liana who is in seven years old is a responsible child. She helped me a lot. She plays with Elaina so I wouldn’t be busy spending time taking care of the Elaina. Dad is a business man. He is really busy at work to earn money for our family. He does his best eating dinner with us; spend time taking us to different places. He is just so awesome. Mom and I are like sisters. She is young and understanding. We are together the whole time at everywhere.
I really don’t wanna leave this home sweet home. I was crying and complaining that why I am the one who has cancer. Mom said it was just life. I was shocked. It made her sound so mature. She was talking with the way she’s never like. Or maybe I was just too childish at that time. Maybe I’m talking with the way I am never like.
In the middle of the ‘conversation’ or the ‘meeting’, my boyfriend, Jonathan came. He knocked on the door, and I stopped crying and I stared at him for a while and continued crying. My sister – Liana was poking me. But I ignored her.
My boyfriend appeared beside my bed. I sat up and stopped crying. I stared at him with my blurry sight. I hugged him tightly. He understands me the best. I whispered, “Johnny, I don’t want to lose you. I want you to know. I love you so much. I haven’t live long. I haven’t finished enjoying my life yet. But I’m dying. I don’t wanna go. Don’t wanna die yet. I’m still young.”
“Stop it.” He said softly, “You’ll be fine. I love you too, Kels. You won’t die. You’ll be fine. Trust me, you won’t die, because I will never let you go. I care about you the most. You are the only thing I care. Okay? You are the only one I love…”
I fell asleep. No dreams…
I hope I could wake up.
August 5.2011
Of course I woke up. I slept for days. I don’t feel really good. So the operation which is supposed to be today got changed to tomorrow. To me, today might be my last day of my life. My family will stay with me the whole day.
I am writing a poem. I have no idea how to name it. Anyways, here it goes,
“If this is my last day of my life,
I will not be afraid of the death,
Because I have faith.
I will not be ashamed that I am not normal,
Because I am who I am
I will not complain I am the one who has been chosen,
Because I understand it’s all life
I will not regret that I was borned,
Because I had and enjoyed my short but happy life
And I will still be myself on the operating bed,
Because I believe,
Because I am Kelsey, I am confident!
But if I can survive after the operation,
I will go through my diary and laugh out loud with all my happiness.
I will hang out with all my friends and tell them how happy I am.
I will kiss my boyfriend on the cheek with all my love.
I will tell my family that I am grateful that they care about me so so much.
I will invite my people to my party and celebrate my joyful happy life.
If I really can survive,
I will kneel down on the top of a high mountain,
Stare at the blue pretty sky,
And tell god “I love and thank you” with my heart!”
I feel so good and so happy after I finished it. I feel free. There is no more darkness or fear in my spirit. I’m crying with my joyfulness. I am so glad that I am happy.
August 6. 2011
This is the day. My friends and my family are all here. The nurse pushed my bed and me into the operation room. I said to my friends and parents and siblings and boyfriend, “I promise I will be back. I have a feeling this will be okay. Trust me. So I will not say bye to you guys, because I will see you again. Anyways, see you later. I love you guys!!”
I guess it’s time to say ‘see you’ to you, my diary. I’ll be back! Trust me. I love you too. Thank you for being my friend who listens to me a lot. You are the best! See ya!
Epilogue
Kelsey prayed a lot on her bed before the operation began. She got her anesthetic and fell asleep. However, she never got a chance to open her eyes again. She’s now dead. However, she is a really important part of her family, friends, classmates and her people’s life. Her happy and optimistic personality will always be remembered in her people’s mind forever and ever……
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